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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that counseling might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or being seen, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.